McDonald's Is Hiring

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Frenzied Trump Supporters Admit They’d Be Just As Happy Tearing Him To Pieces

‘We’re Just Mad And Want To Destroy Something,’ Say Candidate’s Backers

WASHINGTON—Saying they simply needed something to direct their anger toward, the nation’s frenzied Donald Trump supporters admitted Thursday that, if circumstances were different, they would be just as happy tearing the Republican frontrunner to pieces.
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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

McDonald's Is Hiring

On Tuesday, McDonald's held a National Hiring Day in which people across the country lined up to fill the planned 50,000 positions the company offered. What do you think?

  • "I am happy to see that, at last, McDonald's is trying to rid itself of its snotty, elitist, better-than-you employer image."

    Sam Escovedo
    Denture Maker
  • "That doesn't sound so bad. I'm sure my family would rather I came home smelling like burgers and fries than have me never leave the house at all and continue to smell like myself."

    Nick Melvoin
    Unemployed
  • "This should really help lower the unemployment rate, which is at a staggering 68 percent among degenerate adult pinheads and greasy-faced little twerps."

    Liz Coleman
    Sample Sawyer