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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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McDonald's Is Hiring

On Tuesday, McDonald's held a National Hiring Day in which people across the country lined up to fill the planned 50,000 positions the company offered. What do you think?

  • "I am happy to see that, at last, McDonald's is trying to rid itself of its snotty, elitist, better-than-you employer image."

    Sam Escovedo Denture Maker
  • "That doesn't sound so bad. I'm sure my family would rather I came home smelling like burgers and fries than have me never leave the house at all and continue to smell like myself."

    Nick Melvoin Unemployed
  • "This should really help lower the unemployment rate, which is at a staggering 68 percent among degenerate adult pinheads and greasy-faced little twerps."

    Liz Coleman Sample Sawyer
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