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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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McDonald's Nixes Cage-Free Eggs

The board of McDonald's has come out against a proposal that would require the restaurant to obtain 5 percent of its eggs from cage-free sources. What do you think?

  • "Wait, so McDonald's uses real chickens?"

    Jeff Sanders rake Adjuster
  • "Five percent would have been perfect, as I tend to get a guilty conscience with every 20th Egg McMuffin."

    Leah Kupferberg Kettle Operator
  • "Right, yeah, fine. So can I get breakfast after 11 a.m. or not?"

    Andy Taylor Hand Packager

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