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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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McDonald's Sales Down For First Time In 9 Years

McDonald’s worldwide sales fell 1.8 percent in October, marking the first drop in the fast food chain’s monthly sales figures since April 2003. What do you think?

  • “Yeah, I’ve been making my own Spicy Chicken McBites at home.”

    Rocco Bonifant Warehouse Guard
  • “Uh-oh. Did another restaurant learn how to make hamburgers?”

    Yvonne Weeks Hosiery Salesperson
  • “Maybe they should stop dragging their heels on that McRib shake, then.”

    Les Baxter Can Filler

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