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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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McDonald’s Testing 60-Second Drive-Thru Guarantee

Select McDonald’s restaurants in South Florida are testing out a new promotion that guarantees drive-thru customers a 60-seconds-or-less wait period for food or else they’ll get a free sandwich on a future visit, which has drawn criticism from worker advocates, though McDonald’s says it believes it will “energize the crew” and “entertain guests.” What do you think?

  • “I’m not sure it’s possible for me to be more entertained at the McDonald’s drive-thru, but hey, go for it!”

    Gerry Bryson Water Fountain Repairer
  • “I sure hope they can stick to that time frame, because my misgivings about eating at McDonald’s usually kick in around the 75-second mark.”

    Richard Sztaba Cord Untangler
  • “A free sandwich is the least they can offer for keeping me from eating something for a whole 60 seconds.”

    Susan Littenberg Unemployed

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