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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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McDonald’s Testing 60-Second Drive-Thru Guarantee

Select McDonald’s restaurants in South Florida are testing out a new promotion that guarantees drive-thru customers a 60-seconds-or-less wait period for food or else they’ll get a free sandwich on a future visit, which has drawn criticism from worker advocates, though McDonald’s says it believes it will “energize the crew” and “entertain guests.” What do you think?

  • “I’m not sure it’s possible for me to be more entertained at the McDonald’s drive-thru, but hey, go for it!”

    Gerry Bryson Water Fountain Repairer
  • “I sure hope they can stick to that time frame, because my misgivings about eating at McDonald’s usually kick in around the 75-second mark.”

    Richard Sztaba Cord Untangler
  • “A free sandwich is the least they can offer for keeping me from eating something for a whole 60 seconds.”

    Susan Littenberg Unemployed
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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

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