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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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McDonald’s To Offer New Fish McBites

McDonald’s announced the upcoming launch of Fish McBites, roughly McNugget-sized fried fish pieces that are made from the same substance as the company’s Filet-O-Fish sandwiches. What do you think?

  • “Yeah, I know what a McBite is. I’m not an idiot.”

    Elmer Youngreen Insecticide Sprayer
  • “Frankly, I think it’s unnatural to mold fish meat slurry into something other than a rectangle."

    Roxanne Boldroff Bill Collector
  • “Mmm! I love substance.”

    Dino Borthwick Souvenir Assembler

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