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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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McDonald's To Open Vegetarian Restaurants

The first two entirely vegetarian McDonald’s restaurants are scheduled to open next year near Hindu and Sikh pilgrimage sites in northern India, offering items such as potato patties and vegetable-and-cheese pastries instead of traditional burgers. What do you think?

  • “But what happens to the Hamburglar?”

    Kim Doering Valve Assembler
  • “Does McDonald’s know it doesn’t have to have a restaurant everywhere?”

    Sonny Durante Orange Grower
  • “I’m going to continue ordering off the Rupee Menu—half a French fry and one slice of lettuce to go, please.”

    Malcolm Whittington Systems Analyst

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