adBlockCheck

Recent News

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
End Of Section
  • More News

McDonald's To Open Vegetarian Restaurants

The first two entirely vegetarian McDonald’s restaurants are scheduled to open next year near Hindu and Sikh pilgrimage sites in northern India, offering items such as potato patties and vegetable-and-cheese pastries instead of traditional burgers. What do you think?

  • “But what happens to the Hamburglar?”

    Kim Doering Valve Assembler
  • “Does McDonald’s know it doesn’t have to have a restaurant everywhere?”

    Sonny Durante Orange Grower
  • “I’m going to continue ordering off the Rupee Menu—half a French fry and one slice of lettuce to go, please.”

    Malcolm Whittington Systems Analyst
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close