Pfizer Researchers Discover New Stimulating, Medicating, Captivating Cure For What Ails You

Amazing Hair-Raising Tonic Treats Aches, Ailments, And All Manners Of Female Complaints, Reveal Dazzlingly Attired Scientists

NEW YORK—According to fast-talking, dazzlingly-dressed researchers at the Pfizer pharmaceutical corporation, they have discovered a brand new stimulating, medicating, captivating cure for complaints ranging from distemper to discontent—a hair-raising tonic they announced Monday would treat all manner of aches, ailments and even female complaints.

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Archivists Unearth Rare Early Career Paul Newman Salsa

WESTPORT, CT—Shedding light on the formative years of the late actor and philanthropist, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Paul Newman confirmed Friday they had uncovered a long-forgotten salsa from early in his career.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
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McDonald's Unveils Healthier Image

Last week, McDonald's announced plans to offer healthier menu items and encourage its customers to get more exercise. What do you think?
  • "Their new 'infrasized meals,' where you can get one-third the food for an extra 99 cents, are definitely a step in the right direction."

    Donna Alexander Lab Assistant
  • "Every location should have an amusement-park-style plywood Grimace that says, 'You cannot enter this McDonald's if you're more than this wide.'"

    Jesse Perry Audiologist
  • "Those McDonald's anti-obesity campaign materials are soon to be the prized possessions of every hipster from here to Tacoma."

    Martin Bryant Systems Analyst
  • "I think it's brave. McDonald's is a very brave corporation."

    Bobby Melvin Nurse
  • "I guess those playlands don't provide as solid a total-body workout as previously thought."

    Tonia Coleman Promotions Manager
  • "Man, you can already smell the greasy stench of guilt every time you walk into a McDonald's. Do they have to lay more on?"

    Adam H. Ross Sales Clerk

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