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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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McDonald’s Unveils New Slogan: Lovin’ Beats Hatin’

After losing popularity with millennial consumers who are increasingly choosing Chipotle, McDonald’s unveiled its new tagline, “Lovin’ Beats Hatin’,” which officials say aims to spread love amidst hate for the brand on the internet. What do you think?

  • “McDonald’s is smart to go on the internet and tell people they’re wrong.”

    Thomas McGuire Systems Analyst
  • “They really nailed the millennial voice.”

    Penny Nichols Home Decor Reseller
  • “I’ve been saying for years that people who don’t eat at McDonald’s have bitter hate in their hearts.”

    Dean Brendel Coaster Stacker

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