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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Meat Factory Explodes

An Arkansas meatpacking plant exploded on Sunday, destroying the factory and forcing nearly 200 people living nearby to evacuate their homes. What do you think?
  • "It's nice to hear about a backwoods explosion that doesn't have anything to do with meth."

    Louis Dahlkemper Airline Pilot
  • "This is really frightening, but mostly because it means I might be able to project my thoughts into reality."

    Meridith Hume Sociology Professor
  • "If Upton Sinclair were alive today, he'd be running into the street for free meat just like the rest of us."

    Timothy Rudgers Receptionist

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