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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Meat Factory Explodes

An Arkansas meatpacking plant exploded on Sunday, destroying the factory and forcing nearly 200 people living nearby to evacuate their homes. What do you think?
  • "It's nice to hear about a backwoods explosion that doesn't have anything to do with meth."

    Louis Dahlkemper Airline Pilot
  • "This is really frightening, but mostly because it means I might be able to project my thoughts into reality."

    Meridith Hume Sociology Professor
  • "If Upton Sinclair were alive today, he'd be running into the street for free meat just like the rest of us."

    Timothy Rudgers Receptionist
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