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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Meat Loaf Endorses Romney

Performing after the band Big & Rich at a Romney rally last night, Meat Loaf offered the candidate an unusual, rambling endorsement in which the 65-year-old rocker mentioned that he had never been involved in politics before, that the Cold War is not over, and that “Paul Ryan has not pushed [him] off the cliff in a wheelchair.” What do you think?

  • “Congratulations, Mitt, on your sweatiest endorsement yet.”

    Lucas Groom Marine Machinist
  • “He makes a good point, but I think, in a lot of ways, the Cold War is over.”

    Patricia Rosenthal Vocational Adviser
  • “Did Big & Rich by any chance mention who they were supporting for president?”

    Dennis Nykvist Systems Analyst

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