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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Meat Loaf Endorses Romney

Performing after the band Big & Rich at a Romney rally last night, Meat Loaf offered the candidate an unusual, rambling endorsement in which the 65-year-old rocker mentioned that he had never been involved in politics before, that the Cold War is not over, and that “Paul Ryan has not pushed [him] off the cliff in a wheelchair.” What do you think?

  • “Congratulations, Mitt, on your sweatiest endorsement yet.”

    Lucas Groom Marine Machinist
  • “He makes a good point, but I think, in a lot of ways, the Cold War is over.”

    Patricia Rosenthal Vocational Adviser
  • “Did Big & Rich by any chance mention who they were supporting for president?”

    Dennis Nykvist Systems Analyst

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