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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.
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Media Coverage Of The War

Across the nation, citizens are glued to their TV sets for war coverage. What do you think of the job the media are doing?
  • "I watch the Fox News Channel, because they're unbiased and support the war 100 percent."

    Michael Crane Systems Analyst
  • "One week into the conflict, it's still unclear who will emerge as this war's Arthur 'Scud Stud' Kent."

    Amanda Criss Nutritionist
  • "Can't we skip all that disturbing night-vision bombing stuff and go straight to the jubilant liberation footage?"

    Andrea Lytle Homemaker
  • "I watch Al-Jazeera on satellite but turn the sound off and listen to NPR. I have no idea what the fuck is happening."

    Gordon Jackson Architect
  • "I'm hoping there will be helmet-mounted soldier-cams to be outraged by."

    Dan Durkee Roofer
  • "Talk about your boring reruns."

    Mitchell Fawkes Electrician

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