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Media Coverage Of The War

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Media Coverage Of The War

Across the nation, citizens are glued to their TV sets for war coverage. What do you think of the job the media are doing?
  • "I watch the Fox News Channel, because they're unbiased and support the war 100 percent."

    Michael Crane
    Systems Analyst
  • "One week into the conflict, it's still unclear who will emerge as this war's Arthur 'Scud Stud' Kent."

    Amanda Criss
    Nutritionist
  • "Can't we skip all that disturbing night-vision bombing stuff and go straight to the jubilant liberation footage?"

    Andrea Lytle
    Homemaker
  • "I watch Al-Jazeera on satellite but turn the sound off and listen to NPR. I have no idea what the fuck is happening."

    Gordon Jackson
    Architect
  • "I'm hoping there will be helmet-mounted soldier-cams to be outraged by."

    Dan Durkee
    Roofer
  • "Talk about your boring reruns."

    Mitchell Fawkes
    Electrician

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