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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Media Credibility In Question

Last month, CNN retracted a story falsely accusing the U.S. military of using nerve gas on Vietnam defectors. Three weeks ago, The Cincinnati Enquirer printed a front-page apology to Chiquita for an exposé based on information gathered in an "unlawful and unethical" manner. The New Republic recently fired a staffer for quoting fictionalized sources in dozens of articles. What do you think about the credibility and accountability of the media?
  • "As long as the anchorperson reads the entire press release, there should be no danger of inaccurate reporting."

    Sandra Munson Opthamologist
  • "I, too, have been burned by the media. You'd think if it says, 'Petite SWF, 22,' she wouldn't look like Delta Burke."

    Chris Dent Data Technician
  • "I recently read a report in Bop stating that A.J. from Backstreet Boys loves to skateboard. This can't possibly be true... can it?"

    Richard Nettles Architect
  • "Aw, who cares? It's not like a well-informed public was essential to the functioning of a democracy or anything."

    Keith Chambliss Florist
  • "I wish journalism would return to its glory days, when principled, incorruptible men like William Randolph Hearst and Joseph Pulitzer were in charge."

    Vanessa Jackson Piano Teacher
  • "You know that anchorwoman Katie Dibble on Channel 12? She went to my high school, and I, like, totally fucked her."

    Randall Guidry Systems Analyst

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