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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Media Credibility In Question

Last month, CNN retracted a story falsely accusing the U.S. military of using nerve gas on Vietnam defectors. Three weeks ago, The Cincinnati Enquirer printed a front-page apology to Chiquita for an exposé based on information gathered in an "unlawful and unethical" manner. The New Republic recently fired a staffer for quoting fictionalized sources in dozens of articles. What do you think about the credibility and accountability of the media?
  • "As long as the anchorperson reads the entire press release, there should be no danger of inaccurate reporting."

    Sandra Munson Opthamologist
  • "I, too, have been burned by the media. You'd think if it says, 'Petite SWF, 22,' she wouldn't look like Delta Burke."

    Chris Dent Data Technician
  • "I recently read a report in Bop stating that A.J. from Backstreet Boys loves to skateboard. This can't possibly be true... can it?"

    Richard Nettles Architect
  • "Aw, who cares? It's not like a well-informed public was essential to the functioning of a democracy or anything."

    Keith Chambliss Florist
  • "I wish journalism would return to its glory days, when principled, incorruptible men like William Randolph Hearst and Joseph Pulitzer were in charge."

    Vanessa Jackson Piano Teacher
  • "You know that anchorwoman Katie Dibble on Channel 12? She went to my high school, and I, like, totally fucked her."

    Randall Guidry Systems Analyst

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