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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Media Credibility In Question

Last month, CNN retracted a story falsely accusing the U.S. military of using nerve gas on Vietnam defectors. Three weeks ago, The Cincinnati Enquirer printed a front-page apology to Chiquita for an exposé based on information gathered in an "unlawful and unethical" manner. The New Republic recently fired a staffer for quoting fictionalized sources in dozens of articles. What do you think about the credibility and accountability of the media?
  • "As long as the anchorperson reads the entire press release, there should be no danger of inaccurate reporting."

    Sandra Munson Opthamologist
  • "I, too, have been burned by the media. You'd think if it says, 'Petite SWF, 22,' she wouldn't look like Delta Burke."

    Chris Dent Data Technician
  • "I recently read a report in Bop stating that A.J. from Backstreet Boys loves to skateboard. This can't possibly be true... can it?"

    Richard Nettles Architect
  • "Aw, who cares? It's not like a well-informed public was essential to the functioning of a democracy or anything."

    Keith Chambliss Florist
  • "I wish journalism would return to its glory days, when principled, incorruptible men like William Randolph Hearst and Joseph Pulitzer were in charge."

    Vanessa Jackson Piano Teacher
  • "You know that anchorwoman Katie Dibble on Channel 12? She went to my high school, and I, like, totally fucked her."

    Randall Guidry Systems Analyst
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