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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Medical Marijuana

California recently approved a referendum permitting, in certain cases, the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. What do you think of doctors being allowed to legally prescribe the drug?
  • "I am permitted to smoke dope because I have, like, the flu and shit."

    Julie Meyers Teacher
  • "One time when I was sick, my dad gave me a big fattie, only it wasn't the kind you smoke."

    Adam Feuerstein State Senator
  • "I am a Bay Area surgeon, and I recently pioneered a new open-heart surgery technique where a big bag of weed is dropped into the patient's open chest cavity. Results have been mixed."

    Michael Hiller Surgeon
  • "I'd never smoke weed if I had cancer, man. I might freak out and get all paranoid and be, like, 'Whoa! I've got cancer, man!'"

    Rajeev Thakker Architect
  • "Now if my doctor could just prescribe me some pizza delivered to my place, I'd be fuckin' set."

    Todd Pollack Lawyer
  • "I like to whip up a marijuana poultice and apply it to my muscles when they ache. I also pour heroin into some hot water for a dandy foot massage!"

    Cristina Tendero Systems Analyst

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