Medical Marijuana

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Medical Marijuana

Last week, the Supreme Court upheld the federal government's right to ban marijuana use, even in states that allow it for medical reasons. What do you think?
  • "This is sad news for me and other survivors of nausea."

    Irina Manta
    Systems Analyst
  • "I was surprised by the judges' reaction to this whole thing. Especially Scalia, because, y'know, he's cool."

    Brian Netter
    Tile Setter
  • "Well, can't these cancer patients paint, play sports, or listen to music instead of doing drugs? That's what they taught us in health class."

    Alan Schoenfeld
    Shoe Salesman
  • "Dude, the small-government-advocating, states-rights-supporting conservatives must've been totally high when they wrote that decision."

    Daniel S. Korobkin
    Podiatirst
  • "The Court made the right decision. Once you legalize the medical use of marijuana, it's only a matter of time before you start seeing medical use of harder narcotics, like morphine."

    Robert Yablon
    Banker
  • "Great. Now how am I supposed to treat my recurrent case of Doritos Aversion Syndrome?"

    Caroline Wilson
    Lab Supervisor