Medical Marijuana

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

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Medical Marijuana

Last week, the Supreme Court upheld the federal government's right to ban marijuana use, even in states that allow it for medical reasons. What do you think?
  • "This is sad news for me and other survivors of nausea."

    Irina Manta
    Systems Analyst
  • "I was surprised by the judges' reaction to this whole thing. Especially Scalia, because, y'know, he's cool."

    Brian Netter
    Tile Setter
  • "Well, can't these cancer patients paint, play sports, or listen to music instead of doing drugs? That's what they taught us in health class."

    Alan Schoenfeld
    Shoe Salesman
  • "Dude, the small-government-advocating, states-rights-supporting conservatives must've been totally high when they wrote that decision."

    Daniel S. Korobkin
    Podiatirst
  • "The Court made the right decision. Once you legalize the medical use of marijuana, it's only a matter of time before you start seeing medical use of harder narcotics, like morphine."

    Robert Yablon
    Banker
  • "Great. Now how am I supposed to treat my recurrent case of Doritos Aversion Syndrome?"

    Caroline Wilson
    Lab Supervisor