adBlockCheck

Medical Marijuana

Top Headlines

Recent News

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Medical Marijuana

Last week, the Supreme Court upheld the federal government's right to ban marijuana use, even in states that allow it for medical reasons. What do you think?
  • "This is sad news for me and other survivors of nausea."

    Irina Manta
    Systems Analyst
  • "I was surprised by the judges' reaction to this whole thing. Especially Scalia, because, y'know, he's cool."

    Brian Netter
    Tile Setter
  • "Well, can't these cancer patients paint, play sports, or listen to music instead of doing drugs? That's what they taught us in health class."

    Alan Schoenfeld
    Shoe Salesman
  • "Dude, the small-government-advocating, states-rights-supporting conservatives must've been totally high when they wrote that decision."

    Daniel S. Korobkin
    Podiatirst
  • "The Court made the right decision. Once you legalize the medical use of marijuana, it's only a matter of time before you start seeing medical use of harder narcotics, like morphine."

    Robert Yablon
    Banker
  • "Great. Now how am I supposed to treat my recurrent case of Doritos Aversion Syndrome?"

    Caroline Wilson
    Lab Supervisor

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close