adBlockCheck

Supreme Court

Teens Throwing Rocks At Overgrown, Long-Vacant Supreme Court Seat

WASHINGTON—Trading legends they had heard about the old chair as they gathered together a safe distance from the abandoned, dilapidated structure, a group of neighborhood teens reportedly stopped while passing through Capitol Hill this afternoon and spent several minutes throwing rocks at the heavily overgrown, long-vacant Supreme Court seat.

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...

Nation Celebrates What Is, Technically Speaking, Progress

WASHINGTON—Following two Supreme Court rulings today that allowed homosexuals in California to wed, extended federal benefits to same-sex married couples, but stopped short of calling gay marriage constitutional, the nation celebrated what is, techn...
End Of Section
  • More News

Medical Marijuana

Last week, the Supreme Court upheld the federal government's right to ban marijuana use, even in states that allow it for medical reasons. What do you think?
  • "This is sad news for me and other survivors of nausea."

    Irina Manta Systems Analyst
  • "I was surprised by the judges' reaction to this whole thing. Especially Scalia, because, y'know, he's cool."

    Brian Netter Tile Setter
  • "Well, can't these cancer patients paint, play sports, or listen to music instead of doing drugs? That's what they taught us in health class."

    Alan Schoenfeld Shoe Salesman
  • "Dude, the small-government-advocating, states-rights-supporting conservatives must've been totally high when they wrote that decision."

    Daniel S. Korobkin Podiatirst
  • "The Court made the right decision. Once you legalize the medical use of marijuana, it's only a matter of time before you start seeing medical use of harder narcotics, like morphine."

    Robert Yablon Banker
  • "Great. Now how am I supposed to treat my recurrent case of Doritos Aversion Syndrome?"

    Caroline Wilson Lab Supervisor

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close