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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Memorial Day Celebrations

Today is Memorial Day. How will you be celebrating it?
  • "I'm hoping that this year, remembrance of our fallen veterans will beat out Pirates Of The Caribbean among 8-to-15-year-olds, domestically."

    Milt Stuckey Labor Mediator
  • "I'm not going to cheat on my husband, who's stationed in Afghanistan. Hi, honey! I love you!"

    Michelle Voden Caterer
  • "Oh, I don't know. Probably in the ER, saving lives, rebuilding crushed spines, removing bullets from hearts. Because that's how I spend every day–and emergencies don't observe holidays."

    Clyde Pellham Surgeon
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