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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Memorial Day Celebrations

Today is Memorial Day. How will you be celebrating it?
  • "I'm hoping that this year, remembrance of our fallen veterans will beat out Pirates Of The Caribbean among 8-to-15-year-olds, domestically."

    Milt Stuckey
    Labor Mediator
  • "I'm not going to cheat on my husband, who's stationed in Afghanistan. Hi, honey! I love you!"

    Michelle Voden
    Caterer
  • "Oh, I don't know. Probably in the ER, saving lives, rebuilding crushed spines, removing bullets from hearts. Because that's how I spend every day–and emergencies don't observe holidays."

    Clyde Pellham
    Surgeon

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