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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Men Compulsive Shoppers, Too

A recent study claims that men are just as likely to be compulsive shoppers as women. What do you think?
  • "I am not a compulsive shopper. I'm just a kleptomaniac with a strong guilt complex."

    Sean Harper Librarian
  • "This behavior harkens back to hunter–gatherer times, when the women stayed home to raise the children, while the men took to the savannah and foraged for consumer electronics."

    Lisa Grey Anthropologist
  • "What are you going to tell me next—that men can be loving parents and equal partners in a marriage?"

    Theodore Wexler Freelance Writer
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