adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Men Dressed As Mormon Missionaries Rob Home

Two men dressed as Mormon missionaries rang the doorbell of a Las Vegas house and told the homeowner they wanted to speak with him about Jesus Christ, before pulling out a gun, assaulting the resident, entering his home, and stealing cash and iPads. What do you think?

  • “What’s the big deal? It’s like you’ve never been beaten up by missionaries before.”

    Willy Vonn Faucet Assembler
  • “As a resident of the Southwest, I can attest that Mormons are very friendly, hard-working, community-minded people. I’ve been creeped out by them maybe eight, nine times tops.”

    Dustin Filley Sisal Picker
  • “Are you trying to convert me to Mormonism right now? Because it’s working.”

    Estelle Steinkamp Linotype Machinist

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close