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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Men Dressed As Mormon Missionaries Rob Home

Two men dressed as Mormon missionaries rang the doorbell of a Las Vegas house and told the homeowner they wanted to speak with him about Jesus Christ, before pulling out a gun, assaulting the resident, entering his home, and stealing cash and iPads. What do you think?

  • “What’s the big deal? It’s like you’ve never been beaten up by missionaries before.”

    Willy Vonn Faucet Assembler
  • “As a resident of the Southwest, I can attest that Mormons are very friendly, hard-working, community-minded people. I’ve been creeped out by them maybe eight, nine times tops.”

    Dustin Filley Sisal Picker
  • “Are you trying to convert me to Mormonism right now? Because it’s working.”

    Estelle Steinkamp Linotype Machinist

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