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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Men Just As Likely To Be Depressed As Women

Upending previous research, a new study found that an equal percentage of men and women, about 30 percent, would meet the definition for depression at some point in their lives if the criteria for diagnosis were broadened to include symptoms such as aggression, substance abuse, and risk taking. What do you think?

  • “We probably get depressed way stronger than girls though.”

    Zachary Stateman Scallop Shucker
  • “It’s only because it disturbs us so to see our sisters in such dysfunctional emotional despair.”

    Nathan Noel Systems Analyst
  • “We did it!”

    Hoyt McPherson Camp Counselor

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