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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Men Think Women Who Listen To Them Are Sexier

According to a new study, men are more likely to be sexually attracted to women who listen to them and show “responsiveness” by being aware of what they are thinking and feeling, while female subjects were more likely to view responsiveness as a trick to get them to have sex. What do you think?

  • “It’s true that my most satisfying sexual experiences always take place over the phone.”

    Allan Burbage Bagel Slicer
  • “It’s a good quality to have, unless she’s one of those women who goes around and pays attention to every guy she’s having a conversation with.”

    Michael Nicotero Anesthesia Tester
  • “That’s why most pornography focuses so heavily on the importance of empathy.”

    Doug Stoughtman Seashell Collector

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