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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Meth Puts Strain On ERs

A recent survey of hospitals indicated that methamphetamine is responsible for more drug-related emergency-room admissions than any other illicit drug. What do you think?
  • "It wasn't the meth that put me in the ER, man. It was trying to wrestle that horse."

    Kevin Underwood Tax Preparer
  • "Meth's a bigger problem than weed, coke, and heroin? No wonder popular music sucks now."

    Cindy Reynolds Writer
  • "We should just train all the pharmaceutical reps mulling around the hospital lobby in basic lifesaving measures."

    Gene Thomas Bank Teller

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