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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Mexico Surpasses U.S. As Fattest Nation

A new report by the United Nations has found that Mexico has overtaken the United States as the most obese nation in the Western Hemisphere, an incline experts have attributed to the proliferation of fast food chains, increasingly sedentary lifestyles, and rising income inequality. What do you think?

  • “But we’re still number one in education, right?”

    Keith Mitchell Seam Hammerer
  • “It’s nice to know we dropped in rankings without having to change our lifestyles or dietary habits.”

    Claudia Griffiths Health Care Specialist
  • “Those Mexicans work harder at everything.”

    Sam Anderson Wardrobe Supervisor

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