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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Mexico Surpasses U.S. As Fattest Nation

A new report by the United Nations has found that Mexico has overtaken the United States as the most obese nation in the Western Hemisphere, an incline experts have attributed to the proliferation of fast food chains, increasingly sedentary lifestyles, and rising income inequality. What do you think?

  • “But we’re still number one in education, right?”

    Keith Mitchell Seam Hammerer
  • “It’s nice to know we dropped in rankings without having to change our lifestyles or dietary habits.”

    Claudia Griffiths Health Care Specialist
  • “Those Mexicans work harder at everything.”

    Sam Anderson Wardrobe Supervisor

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