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M.I.A. Denied Visa

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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M.I.A. Denied Visa

British rapper M.I.A. was denied a visa to the U.S., purportedly for her support of the Sri Lankan terrorist organization the Tamil Tigers. What do you think?
  • "Hear, hear! In America, we believe that rap music should only be used to convey non-violent messages about getting parties started in the correct fashion."

    Jackie Sherman
    Bar Back
  • "I want her to come to America, but only so I can make her look me in the eye and tell me why she would embolden our enemies with controversial lyrics like 'blaze a blaze, galang a lang a lang a lang.'"

    Scott Riess
    Acrobat
  • "She supports terrorists? Well, I know one artist whose music I will not be illegally downloading."

    Seth Lalley
    Systems Analyst

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