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MIA Remains In North Korea

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

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WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

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BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

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VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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MIA Remains In North Korea

U.S. and North Korean officials are meeting in Kuala Lumpur this week to discuss efforts to recover the remains of 8,000 American soldiers missing in action in the Korean War. What do you think?
  • "I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want those remains back. Have you seen that shit? It's nasty."

    Benjamin Ryback Landscaper
  • "Did someone check the bathroom for those missing soldiers? Because my grandpa is a Korean War vet, and that's where we always find him."

    Jennifer Teague Law Student
  • "Finally, I'll be able to be at peace when the bone shards and crushed skull of my loved one, gunned down in the prime of his life, are returned to me."

    Carol Clark Retiree
  • "How can we worry about Korea when there are still bodies missing from the Punic Wars?"

    Davis Franklin Banker
  • "Know who else is apparently missing in action? My waitress. I ordered those goddamn wings almost 15 minutes ago."

    Robert Dorner Systems Analyst
  • "We must get the MIAs back alive. Failing that, we must get back their remains. Failing that, we must get back their droppings."

    Don Oberkfell Electrician

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