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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Michael J. Fox Returning To TV

Former Family Ties and Spin City star Michael J. Fox, who left television 12 years ago to focus on combating Parkinson’s disease, will appear next fall in a loosely autobiographical sitcom in which he plays a New York father struggling with the same neurodegenerative disorder. What do you think?

  • “He’s dealt with his condition so well, I have a problem seeing him as a convincing Parkinson’s patient. Frankly, I’m not sure he can pull it off.”

    Everett Rosner Medical Radiation Dosimetrist
  • “Ugh. I don’t have a neurodegenerative disorder! When’s someone finally gonna tell my story?”

    Teresa Hester Mail Carrier
  • “I don’t know. After 12 years out of the game, do you think he’s ready to handle the intricate plotting and multifaceted characterizations of today’s sitcom landscape?”

    Giovanni Di Meo Barrel Repairer

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