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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Michael Jackson Album To Feature New Songs

Epic Records has announced their plan to release a new album from late singer Michael Jackson called Xscape, which will feature eight previously unreleased songs. What do you think?

  • “I’ll buy it as long as every song is as good as ‘Billie Jean.’”

    Ken Rosterman Furniture Discounter
  • “If you like music you should check out my band, Thrashing Souls.”

    Bryant Miller Unemployed
  • “Okay. Just as long as this isn’t some cash grab.”

    Mackenzie Herzer Classroom Supervisor

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