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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Michael Jackson Hologram Performs At Billboard Music Awards

At Sunday night’s Billboard Music Awards, a hologram of the late singer Michael Jackson performed the song “Slave to the Rhythm” from his posthumous album, Xscape. What do you think?

  • “Bringing MJ back as a dancing hologram five years after his death is exactly the kind of closure I needed.”

    Karl Wood Automotive Journalist
  • “He was robbed of a normal childhood by his father and robbed of a normal adulthood by celebrity, so I guess it makes sense that we should deny him death, too.”

    Rachel Urban Systems Analyst
  • “It must have been inspiring for all the other pop stars in attendance to see what awaits them.”

    Jason Thirlby Home Theater Technician

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