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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Michael Jackson Hologram Performs At Billboard Music Awards

At Sunday night’s Billboard Music Awards, a hologram of the late singer Michael Jackson performed the song “Slave to the Rhythm” from his posthumous album, Xscape. What do you think?

  • “Bringing MJ back as a dancing hologram five years after his death is exactly the kind of closure I needed.”

    Karl Wood Automotive Journalist
  • “He was robbed of a normal childhood by his father and robbed of a normal adulthood by celebrity, so I guess it makes sense that we should deny him death, too.”

    Rachel Urban Systems Analyst
  • “It must have been inspiring for all the other pop stars in attendance to see what awaits them.”

    Jason Thirlby Home Theater Technician

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