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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Michael Jackson Hologram Performs At Billboard Music Awards

At Sunday night’s Billboard Music Awards, a hologram of the late singer Michael Jackson performed the song “Slave to the Rhythm” from his posthumous album, Xscape. What do you think?

  • “Bringing MJ back as a dancing hologram five years after his death is exactly the kind of closure I needed.”

    Karl Wood Automotive Journalist
  • “He was robbed of a normal childhood by his father and robbed of a normal adulthood by celebrity, so I guess it makes sense that we should deny him death, too.”

    Rachel Urban Systems Analyst
  • “It must have been inspiring for all the other pop stars in attendance to see what awaits them.”

    Jason Thirlby Home Theater Technician
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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