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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Michael Jackson Hologram Performs At Billboard Music Awards

At Sunday night’s Billboard Music Awards, a hologram of the late singer Michael Jackson performed the song “Slave to the Rhythm” from his posthumous album, Xscape. What do you think?

  • “Bringing MJ back as a dancing hologram five years after his death is exactly the kind of closure I needed.”

    Karl Wood Automotive Journalist
  • “He was robbed of a normal childhood by his father and robbed of a normal adulthood by celebrity, so I guess it makes sense that we should deny him death, too.”

    Rachel Urban Systems Analyst
  • “It must have been inspiring for all the other pop stars in attendance to see what awaits them.”

    Jason Thirlby Home Theater Technician

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