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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Michelle Obama Presents Oscar To 'Argo'

First lady Michelle Obama announced the Oscars’ Best Picture winner via satellite last night, awarding the show’s top prize to the Ben Affleck–directed thriller Argo, which chronicles the rescue of six Americans during the Iranian hostage crisis. What do you think?

  • “As a conservative, that completely ruined the Hollywood I already hated.”

    Martin Ingersoll Seat Assembler
  • “But her husband didn’t even kill any bad guys in that one.”

    Gerald Wilmarth Puppeteer
  • “Oh, wow. Do you think the president was standing right there off-camera, or do you think he was in another room watching on TV?”

    Mary Tanaka Systems Analyst

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