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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Mick Jagger Blamed For Brazil’s Historic World Cup Defeat

Some Brazilians are blaming Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger for their nation’s humiliating 7-1 loss to Germany in the World Cup semifinals Tuesday, suggesting he regularly jinxes teams he cheers for and that the yellow and green jersey he wore in support of his Brazilian son spelled doom for the tournament’s host country. What do you think?

  • “If only Mick would use his powers for good.”

    Lyle Keck Megastar
  • “We can play the blame game all day, but ultimately it’s no one’s fault except Charlie Watts’.”

    Emma Jones Dog Stacker
  • “There is absolutely no other explanation.”

    Karen Grigsby Thirst Quencher Chemist

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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