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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Mick Jagger’s Hair Up For Auction

A British auction house will sell several locks of Mick Jagger’s hair, which are expected to fetch between $2,300 and $3,100, and which are said to date back to the mid-1960s, when the grandmother of a woman who was then dating the Rolling Stones frontman took some of his hair without his knowledge. What do you think?

  • “I learned a long time ago that unless you’re getting the whole scalp, never pay more than $1,200 for hair.”

    Alexander Schmidt Linen Grader
  • “I’ve got the perfect spot for it next to Jerry Garcia’s finger.”

    June Hunt Abrasive Mixer
  • “Damn it! I also had samples of Jagger’s hair, but I stupidly mixed them in with a big bag of hair.”

    Joe Barnathan Film Inspector

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