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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Mick Jagger’s Hair Up For Auction

A British auction house will sell several locks of Mick Jagger’s hair, which are expected to fetch between $2,300 and $3,100, and which are said to date back to the mid-1960s, when the grandmother of a woman who was then dating the Rolling Stones frontman took some of his hair without his knowledge. What do you think?

  • “I learned a long time ago that unless you’re getting the whole scalp, never pay more than $1,200 for hair.”

    Alexander Schmidt Linen Grader
  • “I’ve got the perfect spot for it next to Jerry Garcia’s finger.”

    June Hunt Abrasive Mixer
  • “Damn it! I also had samples of Jagger’s hair, but I stupidly mixed them in with a big bag of hair.”

    Joe Barnathan Film Inspector

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