adBlockCheck

Recent News

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
End Of Section
  • More News

Microsoft Announces First-Ever Quarterly Loss

Software giant Microsoft reported a quarterly loss for the first time since the company went public in 1986, losing $492 million in the most recent quarter due to a major write-down in its online division. What do you think?

  • “What they should do is use their immense size to box their smaller competitors out of the market. Have they tried that?”

    Isaac Price Financial Analyst
  • “Giving Solitaire away for free was a huge blunder.”

    Phoebe Ellington Locksmith
  • “I’m glad Microsoft is finally acting like a modern Internet company.”

    Pedro Reyes Cargo Plane Pilot

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close