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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Microsoft Introducing Siri Competitor ‘Cortana’

Video leaked online this week revealed that Microsoft is developing a competitor to voice-activated smartphone virtual assistants like Apple’s Siri and Google Now tentatively called Cortana, which will appear as an animated circle icon. What do you think?

  • “Good, I need a soprano for my Virtual Assistant quartet.”

    Jim O’Rourke Fan Installer
  • “Every time you think Microsoft is done innovating, there they are with another brilliant, unprecedented feature like this.”

    Tom Hamilton Choir Conductor
  • “I had a falling out with that bitch Siri, so hopefully this Cortana bitch will be nicer.”

    Martha Drimmer Account Manager

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