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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Microsoft Launches New Search Engine

In an attempt to recapture market share lost to Google, Microsoft has announced the launch of a new search engine it calls "Bing." What do you think?
  • “Bing? Interesting. I’ll have to Google that when I get home.”

    Goerge Wade Systems Analyst
  • "Finally a search engine for the Zune age!"

    Trina Jordan Literary Agent
  • “Search engines are for lazy computer users who don’t have the fortitude to type random URLs until they find what they're looking for.”

    Paul Schepartz Take-Away Attendant

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