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Microsoft Releases New Patch

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
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Microsoft Releases New Patch

Microsoft recently released a patch for a critical security flaw in its Explorer web browser. What do you think?
  • "Wow, they always seem to know when something is wrong with my computer. Come to think of it, how do they always know when something is wrong with my computer?"

    Terry Orth
    Miner
  • "I would like to think that this will be completely effective, but I know from personal experience that the patch tends to work only 99 percent of the time. The only surefire protection against Microsoft infections is abstinence."

    Della Kurtz
    Rail Yard Worker
  • "Microsoft patching up this Explorer flaw is like—well, I would look up a good analogy if I could get online."

    Keith Applebaum
    Crane Operator

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