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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Microsoft Testing Google Glass Competitor

According to an unnamed source, Microsoft is testing a wearable computer with an eyewear interface similar to Google’s highly anticipated Google Glass device. What do you think?

  • “Finally, some glasses I can Bing from.”

    Camille Rasner Linguist
  • “That’s nice, but I made a promise to myself that I would never put a Microsoft product on my face.”

    Ron Revilla Tar Heater
  • “All my stupid glasses do is bestow me with the gift of sight.”

    Shawn Beasley Hard Candy Maker
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