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Pfizer Researchers Discover New Stimulating, Medicating, Captivating Cure For What Ails You

Amazing Hair-Raising Tonic Treats Aches, Ailments, And All Manners Of Female Complaints, Reveal Dazzlingly Attired Scientists

NEW YORK—According to fast-talking, dazzlingly-dressed researchers at the Pfizer pharmaceutical corporation, they have discovered a brand new stimulating, medicating, captivating cure for complaints ranging from distemper to discontent—a hair-raising tonic they announced Monday would treat all manner of aches, ailments and even female complaints.

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Archivists Unearth Rare Early Career Paul Newman Salsa

WESTPORT, CT—Shedding light on the formative years of the late actor and philanthropist, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Paul Newman confirmed Friday they had uncovered a long-forgotten salsa from early in his career.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
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Microsoft Under Fire

Last week, the Justice Department and 20 states filed an antitrust suit against Microsoft, accusing the software giant of monopolistic business practices, such as its inclusion of Internet Explorer on Windows 98. What do you think?
  • "I just got that new Microsoft recombinant-superflu virus, and unless I shell out $5,000 for the Microsoft immune-system DNA upgrades, I've only got a year to live."

    Peter Mills Waiter
  • "Bill Gates should be left alone to do his job. While the press is busy hounding him, he's still got to run the country, you know."

    Duane Griffin Systems Anaylst
  • "I bet Bill Gates could win over the Justice Department if he got an even huger video screen to stand in front of at all times."

    Karen Higgins Kinesiologist
  • "I look forward to discussing this Microsoft lawsuit with my fellow business travelers en route to my upcoming conference in Phoenix."

    Thomas Vaught Sales Representative
  • "This Microsoft-Justice Department standoff is all anyone's talking about here at the shelter."

    Sandra Robinson Unemployed
  • "Microsoft should be free to do as it pleases without government interference. Bill Gates has my full support in this matter end load
    c:\\."

    Larry Rice Bank Teller

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