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Microsoft Under Fire

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Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
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Microsoft Under Fire

Last week, the Justice Department and 20 states filed an antitrust suit against Microsoft, accusing the software giant of monopolistic business practices, such as its inclusion of Internet Explorer on Windows 98. What do you think?
  • "I just got that new Microsoft recombinant-superflu virus, and unless I shell out $5,000 for the Microsoft immune-system DNA upgrades, I've only got a year to live."

    Peter Mills Waiter
  • "Bill Gates should be left alone to do his job. While the press is busy hounding him, he's still got to run the country, you know."

    Duane Griffin Systems Anaylst
  • "I bet Bill Gates could win over the Justice Department if he got an even huger video screen to stand in front of at all times."

    Karen Higgins Kinesiologist
  • "I look forward to discussing this Microsoft lawsuit with my fellow business travelers en route to my upcoming conference in Phoenix."

    Thomas Vaught Sales Representative
  • "This Microsoft-Justice Department standoff is all anyone's talking about here at the shelter."

    Sandra Robinson Unemployed
  • "Microsoft should be free to do as it pleases without government interference. Bill Gates has my full support in this matter end load
    c:\\."

    Larry Rice Bank Teller

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