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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Microsoft Vista Delayed

Microsoft Vista, the first major overhaul of the Windows operating system in five years, has been delayed until the beginning of next year. What do you think?
  • "This is going to severely impact my timetable for creating Vista-based viruses."

    Michael Lopez Systems Analyst
  • "I'm not affected in the least. My TRS-80 Color Computer fills all my rudimentary document creation and Dungeons Of Daggorath needs."

    Bridget McCormick Soap Maker
  • "Don’t worry, Mr. Gates. If your stock tanks because of this, we can totally sleep head-to-foot in my trundle bed."

    Keith Lane Millwright

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