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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Microsoft Vista Delayed

Microsoft Vista, the first major overhaul of the Windows operating system in five years, has been delayed until the beginning of next year. What do you think?
  • "This is going to severely impact my timetable for creating Vista-based viruses."

    Michael Lopez Systems Analyst
  • "I'm not affected in the least. My TRS-80 Color Computer fills all my rudimentary document creation and Dungeons Of Daggorath needs."

    Bridget McCormick Soap Maker
  • "Don’t worry, Mr. Gates. If your stock tanks because of this, we can totally sleep head-to-foot in my trundle bed."

    Keith Lane Millwright
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