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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Middle School Dispenses Birth Control

After 17 pregnancies were reported in its three middle schools in four years, the school board of Portland, ME, voted to allow the middle school health services to prescribe birth control. What do you think?
  • "This is outrageous. I think my daughter should have to get pregnant at 13 just like I did."

    Katie Kolounakis Receptionist
  • "I'm not sure birth control is the answer. Have they tried having an open, honest conversation with these kids about how they're going to hell?"

    Paul Winthrop CAT Scan Technician
  • "This will only encourage students to engage in risky behavior like visiting doctors and going to school."

    Billy Walton Systems Analyst

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