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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Middle School Dispenses Birth Control

After 17 pregnancies were reported in its three middle schools in four years, the school board of Portland, ME, voted to allow the middle school health services to prescribe birth control. What do you think?
  • "This is outrageous. I think my daughter should have to get pregnant at 13 just like I did."

    Katie Kolounakis Receptionist
  • "I'm not sure birth control is the answer. Have they tried having an open, honest conversation with these kids about how they're going to hell?"

    Paul Winthrop CAT Scan Technician
  • "This will only encourage students to engage in risky behavior like visiting doctors and going to school."

    Billy Walton Systems Analyst
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