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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.
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Midwest Mumps Epidemic

The number of mumps cases has grown to more than 1,100 across eight Midwestern states in the largest outbreak in nearly two decades. What do you think?
  • "Finally. God has seen fit to punish Midwesterners for their depraved, decadent 'lifestyle.'"

    Sam Wilson Baker
  • "Because of the swollen glands, we should also see a spike in Godfather impressions."

    Becky Anderson Beautician
  • "Every time a deadly disease affects people in the Midwest, you hear about it in the news. It's like New York and Los Angeles don't even exist."

    Vlad Paretski Herpetologist
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