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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Migrating Whooping Cranes Stall In Alabama

Nine whooping cranes that had been following an ultralight aircraft as it guided them on their migratory route stopped when they reached Alabama, 500 miles short of the intended destination. What do you think?

  • “Well, Alabama does seem to be a place where creatures with some ostensible direction tend to get mired.”

    Ben Kelly Monument Setter
  • "You don't hear about this type of slacking from sandhill cranes."

    Lindsey McCormack Agricultural-Chemicals Inspector
  • "Wooo! That's where I'm from!"

    Bill Jones Tutor

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