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Migrating Whooping Cranes Stall In Alabama

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Migrating Whooping Cranes Stall In Alabama

Nine whooping cranes that had been following an ultralight aircraft as it guided them on their migratory route stopped when they reached Alabama, 500 miles short of the intended destination. What do you think?

  • “Well, Alabama does seem to be a place where creatures with some ostensible direction tend to get mired.”

    Ben Kelly Monument Setter
  • "You don't hear about this type of slacking from sandhill cranes."

    Lindsey McCormack Agricultural-Chemicals Inspector
  • "Wooo! That's where I'm from!"

    Bill Jones Tutor

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