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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Militants Fire Rockets Into Israel During Obama Visit

Militants in Gaza fired two rockets into an Israeli border city ahead of President Barack Obama’s speech in Jerusalem urging Israelis and Palestinians to resume negotiations. What do you think?

  • “Were there by chance any notes attached to the rockets indicating Palestinians are ready to resume peace talks?”

    Hans Yacoub Humidifier Attendant
  • “If a foreign leader came to my country suggesting fair and evenhanded solutions, I’d be pissed, too.”

    Douglas Tipton Bodyguard
  • “I think the message Palestinians are trying to send here is clear: They don’t really have a lot of rockets to spare.”

    Nina Delgadillo Unemployed

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