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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Military Academies Under Fire

With the Citadel and the Virginia Military Institute opening their doors to women in recent months, only three all-male military colleges now remain in the U.S. What do you think?
  • "At schools like the Citadel, boys are turned into identityless drones devoid of any emotions save hate and slavish obedience. I'd say that's an opportunity no young girl would be able to resist."

    James Raneiri Security Guard
  • "If these all-male schools are anything like Chippendales' sizzling all-male revue, I want in. Oh, those buns!"

    Stacy Posner Neurosurgeon
  • "I attend an all-male school, and I agree wholeheartedly that women should be allowed to attend. I'm sick of fucking my sock."

    Jesse DuMond Loan Officer
  • "As the first black to attend the University of Mississippi, I applaud these women's efforts. I also recommend playing dead when being beaten by an angry, bat-wielding mob."

    Oliver Ralston Electrician
  • "With all those pretty girls around, how are cadets supposed to pay attention to the three Rs of military education: Readin', Ritin' and Rectal Rape?"

    Kenny Long Archaeologist
  • "What if they held a military academy and nobody came? Think about it."

    Kathryn Heller Taste Tester

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