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Military Academies Under Fire

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Military Academies Under Fire

With the Citadel and the Virginia Military Institute opening their doors to women in recent months, only three all-male military colleges now remain in the U.S. What do you think?
  • "At schools like the Citadel, boys are turned into identityless drones devoid of any emotions save hate and slavish obedience. I'd say that's an opportunity no young girl would be able to resist."

    James Raneiri Security Guard
  • "If these all-male schools are anything like Chippendales' sizzling all-male revue, I want in. Oh, those buns!"

    Stacy Posner Neurosurgeon
  • "I attend an all-male school, and I agree wholeheartedly that women should be allowed to attend. I'm sick of fucking my sock."

    Jesse DuMond Loan Officer
  • "As the first black to attend the University of Mississippi, I applaud these women's efforts. I also recommend playing dead when being beaten by an angry, bat-wielding mob."

    Oliver Ralston Electrician
  • "With all those pretty girls around, how are cadets supposed to pay attention to the three Rs of military education: Readin', Ritin' and Rectal Rape?"

    Kenny Long Archaeologist
  • "What if they held a military academy and nobody came? Think about it."

    Kathryn Heller Taste Tester

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