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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Military Funeral Protests Banned

President Bush signed a bill that bans protests at military funerals. What do you think?
  • "That's unfair. It's impossible to hold a protest nowadays without being in the vicinity of a military funeral."

    Amy Ketchum Systems Analyst
  • "Is there any way that bill can be expanded to protect postal workers’ funerals? My dad's was a fiasco."

    Jeff Benway Longshoreman
  • "I hope that doesn't extend to actors who have played military figures, because I've got quite the spectacle planned for Sylvester Stallone's final sendoff."

    Aaron Oxfeld Satellite-Dish Installer

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