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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Military Funeral Protests Banned

President Bush signed a bill that bans protests at military funerals. What do you think?
  • "That's unfair. It's impossible to hold a protest nowadays without being in the vicinity of a military funeral."

    Amy Ketchum Systems Analyst
  • "Is there any way that bill can be expanded to protect postal workers’ funerals? My dad's was a fiasco."

    Jeff Benway Longshoreman
  • "I hope that doesn't extend to actors who have played military figures, because I've got quite the spectacle planned for Sylvester Stallone's final sendoff."

    Aaron Oxfeld Satellite-Dish Installer

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