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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Military Hazing

The U.S. military has come under fire for hazing recently, most notably for a controversial videotape depicting Marines "pinning" new recruits, stabbing medals into their chests. What do you think?
  • "After being cruelly hazed at Fort Bragg, I was so emotionally shattered I could barely bomb Iraq."

    Andy Wojcinski Sergeant
  • "Hazing is an important part of joining any exclusive group. Why, you wouldn't believe the hazing you have to go through to get into the 'Nurses Buried In My Backyard' group."

    Pete Pappas Librarian
  • "As the wife of a Marine, I think that hazing is understandable. Especially when I make bad meatloaf."

    Shelley Thaler Homemaker
  • "Here in the U.S. Armed Forces, we're proud to say that today's mistreated recruits are tomorrow's sociopathic loners."

    Linda Fallon Lieutenant
  • "I'm in the Army, and I've had my head held underwater in a toilet until almost drowning more times before 9 a.m. than most people do all day."

    Orson Brock Private First Class
  • "I was tied down, whipped and penetrated anally by four young men. Military? No, I was never in the military, why do you ask?"

    Nate Schneider Systems Analyst

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