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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Military Hazing

The U.S. military has come under fire for hazing recently, most notably for a controversial videotape depicting Marines "pinning" new recruits, stabbing medals into their chests. What do you think?
  • "After being cruelly hazed at Fort Bragg, I was so emotionally shattered I could barely bomb Iraq."

    Andy Wojcinski Sergeant
  • "Hazing is an important part of joining any exclusive group. Why, you wouldn't believe the hazing you have to go through to get into the 'Nurses Buried In My Backyard' group."

    Pete Pappas Librarian
  • "As the wife of a Marine, I think that hazing is understandable. Especially when I make bad meatloaf."

    Shelley Thaler Homemaker
  • "Here in the U.S. Armed Forces, we're proud to say that today's mistreated recruits are tomorrow's sociopathic loners."

    Linda Fallon Lieutenant
  • "I'm in the Army, and I've had my head held underwater in a toilet until almost drowning more times before 9 a.m. than most people do all day."

    Orson Brock Private First Class
  • "I was tied down, whipped and penetrated anally by four young men. Military? No, I was never in the military, why do you ask?"

    Nate Schneider Systems Analyst

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