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Military Sex Scandals

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.
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Military Sex Scandals

In the past year, several military officers have been involved in major sex scandals, ranging from adultery to sexual assault. What do you think about sex and the military?
  • "After a night of lovemaking with a female recruit, I honorably discharged my semen all over her tits."

    Randall Farber
    Private First Class
  • "What did these women think would happen, parading around in front of their commanding officers every day—right, left, right, left, right, left...?"

    Christine Forrester
    Math Teacher
  • "The real problem here is the uniform--It's like a chick magnet, man."

    Alvin Buchwald
    Midshipman
  • "I once had sex in the military, but my sergeant said it was okay, since I killed the gook bitch afterwards."

    Ed Delessandro
    Corporal
  • "You people don't understand! There was a war on! It was rape or be raped! You can't imagine the horror!"

    Leo Orff
    Lieutenant, USM (Ret.)
  • "This has been a problem ever since Bill Murray gave M.P. P.J. Soles the infamous 'Aunt Jemima Treatment.'"

    Janet Meyerson
    Systems Analyst

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