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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Military Sex Scandals

In the past year, several military officers have been involved in major sex scandals, ranging from adultery to sexual assault. What do you think about sex and the military?
  • "After a night of lovemaking with a female recruit, I honorably discharged my semen all over her tits."

    Randall Farber Private First Class
  • "What did these women think would happen, parading around in front of their commanding officers every day—right, left, right, left, right, left...?"

    Christine Forrester Math Teacher
  • "The real problem here is the uniform--It's like a chick magnet, man."

    Alvin Buchwald Midshipman
  • "I once had sex in the military, but my sergeant said it was okay, since I killed the gook bitch afterwards."

    Ed Delessandro Corporal
  • "You people don't understand! There was a war on! It was rape or be raped! You can't imagine the horror!"

    Leo Orff Lieutenant, USM (Ret.)
  • "This has been a problem ever since Bill Murray gave M.P. P.J. Soles the infamous 'Aunt Jemima Treatment.'"

    Janet Meyerson Systems Analyst

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