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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Military-Trained Ukrainian ‘Killer’ Dolphins On Loose

Three dolphins trained by the Ukrainian navy to detect mines, attack enemies using guns or knives attached to their heads, and plant bombs on ships have gone missing in the Black Sea, with some speculating that the marine mammals deserted to look for mates. What do you think?

  • “If there’s one thing I’ve learned about arming mammals: Don’t.”

    Wolfgang Heeley Dye Lab Technician
  • “They should know well enough that it’s too dangerous to fall in love in this profession.”

    Ewan Crandon Systems Analyst
  • “I think dolphins should only undergo unnatural and painstakingly relentless training to do nice things.”

    Natascha Hallam Fraud Investigator
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