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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Military-Trained Ukrainian ‘Killer’ Dolphins On Loose

Three dolphins trained by the Ukrainian navy to detect mines, attack enemies using guns or knives attached to their heads, and plant bombs on ships have gone missing in the Black Sea, with some speculating that the marine mammals deserted to look for mates. What do you think?

  • “If there’s one thing I’ve learned about arming mammals: Don’t.”

    Wolfgang Heeley Dye Lab Technician
  • “They should know well enough that it’s too dangerous to fall in love in this profession.”

    Ewan Crandon Systems Analyst
  • “I think dolphins should only undergo unnatural and painstakingly relentless training to do nice things.”

    Natascha Hallam Fraud Investigator
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