adBlockCheck

Military-Trained Ukrainian ‘Killer’ Dolphins On Loose

Top Headlines

Recent News

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Lawn and Garden

Military-Trained Ukrainian ‘Killer’ Dolphins On Loose

Three dolphins trained by the Ukrainian navy to detect mines, attack enemies using guns or knives attached to their heads, and plant bombs on ships have gone missing in the Black Sea, with some speculating that the marine mammals deserted to look for mates. What do you think?

  • “If there’s one thing I’ve learned about arming mammals: Don’t.”

    Wolfgang Heeley Dye Lab Technician
  • “They should know well enough that it’s too dangerous to fall in love in this profession.”

    Ewan Crandon Systems Analyst
  • “I think dolphins should only undergo unnatural and painstakingly relentless training to do nice things.”

    Natascha Hallam Fraud Investigator

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close