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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Milky Way May Contain 17 Billion Earth-Size Planets

Using data from NASA’s Kepler spacecraft, two independent teams of astronomers have estimated that the Milky Way galaxy contains some 17 billion planets that are similar in size to Earth. What do you think?

  • “Are they sure they’re not double-counting Earth?”

    Teddy Schiarelli Kitchen Runner
  • “Cool. We should set up some sort of well-funded federal space program to go explore some of them.”

    Rupert Avalon Quarry Supervisor
  • “Okay, I’ll check them out as soon as I finally hit every state here in the U.S., but I’ve still got about 13 to go.”

    Susanne Fox Human Factors Specialist

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