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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Milky Way May Contain 17 Billion Earth-Size Planets

Using data from NASA’s Kepler spacecraft, two independent teams of astronomers have estimated that the Milky Way galaxy contains some 17 billion planets that are similar in size to Earth. What do you think?

  • “Are they sure they’re not double-counting Earth?”

    Teddy Schiarelli Kitchen Runner
  • “Cool. We should set up some sort of well-funded federal space program to go explore some of them.”

    Rupert Avalon Quarry Supervisor
  • “Okay, I’ll check them out as soon as I finally hit every state here in the U.S., but I’ve still got about 13 to go.”

    Susanne Fox Human Factors Specialist

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