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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Millennials Choosing Not To Own Cars

In spite of carmakers’ efforts to lure younger buyers by advertising in video games and conducting social media campaigns, data show that 18- to 34-year-olds are buying cars at a much lower rate than previous generations. What do you think?

  • “Once you experience the thrill of renting a car, nothing else compares.”

    Harold Marrow Baker
  • “They’re probably just waiting to see which car the Lumineers endorse.”

    Lee McDuffee Polygraph Examiner
  • “But how else will these feisty youngsters have their hot rod races?”

    Kimberly Hazard Bookbinder

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