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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Millennials Consume The Most Wine

U.S. millennials aged 21 to 38 consumed 159.6 million cases of wine in 2015, or an average of two cases per person, more than any other generation. What do you think?

  • “This is to be expected when an entire generation is raised on ‘Sideways.’”

    Jim Kalmus Signage Curator
  • “Who wouldn’t want to unwind after a long day of caring about inequality and the environment?”

    Evie Heffernan Seat Filler
  • “Ugh, and it’s probably wine that they heard about on some podcast.”

    Troy Kassel Fundraising Negotiator
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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