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Millions Have Never Read The Onion

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Millions Have Never Read The Onion

According to market research, there are millions of Americans who have never picked up a single issue of The Onion. What do you think?

  • "At least they still get most of The Onion’s intrepid reporting once it's ripped off by The Wall Street Journal."

    Cynthia Conter Animal Caretaker
  • "For their sake, I'm glad such mentally feeble individuals, bereft of the vital insight The Onion provides, will quickly die from their inability to navigate today's complex world."

    Don Ryan Sanding Machine Tender
  • "Ha! That's a good one! What is it, April Fool's Day? Oh, crap. It's June? I better call in to work and see if I still have a job."

    Cody Ross Attorney

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