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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Millions Have Never Read The Onion

According to market research, there are millions of Americans who have never picked up a single issue of The Onion. What do you think?

  • "At least they still get most of The Onion’s intrepid reporting once it's ripped off by The Wall Street Journal."

    Cynthia Conter Animal Caretaker
  • "For their sake, I'm glad such mentally feeble individuals, bereft of the vital insight The Onion provides, will quickly die from their inability to navigate today's complex world."

    Don Ryan Sanding Machine Tender
  • "Ha! That's a good one! What is it, April Fool's Day? Oh, crap. It's June? I better call in to work and see if I still have a job."

    Cody Ross Attorney

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