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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Millions Have Never Read The Onion

According to market research, there are millions of Americans who have never picked up a single issue of The Onion. What do you think?

  • "At least they still get most of The Onion’s intrepid reporting once it's ripped off by The Wall Street Journal."

    Cynthia Conter Animal Caretaker
  • "For their sake, I'm glad such mentally feeble individuals, bereft of the vital insight The Onion provides, will quickly die from their inability to navigate today's complex world."

    Don Ryan Sanding Machine Tender
  • "Ha! That's a good one! What is it, April Fool's Day? Oh, crap. It's June? I better call in to work and see if I still have a job."

    Cody Ross Attorney

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