Milosevic Genocide Case Faltering

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Vol 40 Issue 10

Every Song On Radio Reminds Man Of Red Sox Loss

BOSTON—Every song on the radio reminds Red Sox fan Patrick O'Malley of the team's loss to the New York Yankees in Game 7 of the 2003 American League Championship Series. "'One Call Away' on 94.5 reminded me of how [manager] Grady Little's call kept Pedro Martinez on the mound in the eighth," O'Malley said Monday. "So I flipped over to 97.9, but then Van Halen's 'Poundcake' reminded me of how Yankee batter Aaron Boone pounded Tim Wakefield's knuckleball over the fence." O'Malley then switched to AM radio, where a farm report reminded him of that corndog he threw on the ground when Boone crossed home plate in the game's 11th inning.

Study: 58 Percent Of U.S. Exercise Televised

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a new Department of Health and Human Services study, 58 percent of all exercise performed in the U.S. is broadcast on television. "Of the 3.5 billion push-ups performed in 2003, 2.03 billion took place on exercise shows on the Lifetime Network and ESPN3 or fitness segments on Good Morning America," the study read. "The abundance of TV exercise would create the impression that America is a healthy society, if everyone didn't already know that we're a bunch of disgusting, near-immobile spectators." The DHHS study also indicated that 99.3 percent of the nation's Soloflex workouts are televised.

Dog Trying Its Absolute Hardest

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Woofers, the Eli family's high-spirited, 3-year-old Scottish terrier, is trying his absolute hardest at everything he does, family sources reported Monday. "Look at him," wife Jen Eli said as Woofers presented her with a tennis ball for the 22nd time that hour. "His tongue's out, his tail's wagging, he's bouncing all over the place trying to please us. There's only so much that a dog can accomplish, but Woofers is trying his best." Eli's utterance of the word "Woofers" spurred a frenzy of irrelevant leaping.

Republicans Retain Majority In Household

OMAHA, NE—In spite of a vocal Democratic following among the 16-year-old son and 12-year-old daughter demographics, Republicans managed to retain a slim majority in the Sanderson family, front-door exit polls revealed Monday. "Fortunately, strong Republican support among 48-year-old fathers and 46-year-old mothers won over the key swing vote among 6-year-olds named Timmy," speaker of the household Donald Sanderson said. "This, combined with the traditional Republican stronghold among visiting, over-60 grandparents, allowed Republicans to maintain control." The GOP has held the majority in the Sandersons' last 37 Sunday dinners.

Ask Kenneth Cole

Kenneth Cole is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask Kenneth Cole, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

I Can Make Things Right

Baby, my world is empty since you shut me out of your life that night. Things were so good between us. Open up your heart to me once again, and I will walk in and make you feel like twice the woman you are without me. All I need is one more chance. If you would give me that chance, I know I could make things right.
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Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Milosevic Genocide Case Faltering

Legal experts said it's likely that Slobodan Milosevic will be acquitted of genocide at the conclusion of his U.N. war-crimes tribunal. What do you think?
  • "They wasted two years questioning an innocent man, and the real genocider is still out there somewhere."

    Larry Robinson
    Dishwasher
  • "All this because the witness who'd been out walking his dog couldn't say whether he saw the genocide happen at 10:15 or 10:30."

    Shirley Green
    Salesperson
  • "I'm surprised that Milosevic was able to plead his case down to 180,000 charges of vehicular manslaughter."

    Frank Young
    Sound Engineer
  • "I hope they provided him with a good rehabilitation program while he was in jail. Otherwise, he's just going to wind up committing more genocides."

    Eric Nelson
    Curator
  • "When I look in his eyes, I don't see a genocidal butcher. I see a man who needs a hug, and I'm the woman who's going to give it to him."

    Anna Wright
    Illustrator
  • "Who's his defense lawyer? 'Cause I just crushed three people in a drunken backhoe incident, and I totally don't wanna go to jail."

    Josh Turner
    Systems Analyst
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